Fight Club: a list of surprising things I've learnt about conflict

..... or thoughts on how to cope when disagreements loom, not taking rows personally and arguing well with your partner (especially if he is a man!)

1989”s comedy War of the Roses: arguing at it’s dark best Photograph: Moviestore/Rex Shutterstock

Once upon a time I was the newly introduced girlfriend of a man with the most conflict adverse family on this planet. One morning at their house, not long after we’d met, I watched a close female relative of his hide behind the kitchen door as a minor row about poor time keeping brewed (nothing to do with me, I’m a stickler for being on time).

His relative was so fearful of conflict she lost her logical mind. She held the door close hoping it would exempt her from the disagreement as it unravelled. I think she thought running out of the room would draw attention to herself and opted for a less dramatic way of exiting the row. It was odd because at this point in the argument voices had not even been raised.

“We can all see you Sue,” I said perplexed. She pretended not to hear me, just looking at the floor trapped between wall and door as if she was invisible to the human eye. Up until that point in my early twenties I had no idea that people could be so conflict adverse, that for some conflict or disagreements were almost physically painful and that they would avoid them at all costs. Some people, I later discovered, hoped to go through every day without any ripples of tensions in relationships. Some were hyper sensitive to all emotions.

I come from a vocal family where loud arguments happened and then everyone moved on swiftly. I’m not saying this is a better way - volatile rows probably aren’t great for one’s long term mental health - I’m merely emphasising that because regular blow ups were my ‘lived experience” I hadn’t yet discovered or understood what happened when people who were not used arguing found themselves in ‘conflict zones’. I had no idea they hid behind doors physically and metaphorically.

At the time I also worked in a busy newsroom; everyone was shouting, deadlines had to be met. It was the 1990s; no time to soothe a young nervous system like mine or worry about the emotional aftermath of conflict at work. Different times as they say now.

But what I have learnt gradually over the years, as I have softened and matured, is how to cope with conflict. And last week I was reminded that this is a useful human skill by analytic psychotherapist and author Juliet Rosenfeld when she came on our podcast to talk about couples and affairs (an epic relationship conflict zone if ever there was one).

Juliet said at the end of our interview that she wished she had learned earlier in life that ‘the capacity to argue is fundamental to a healthy relationship’. She said that disagreeing strongly is not a negative narrative, and that it is an extremely powerful connection if we can say we disagree strongly on a particular point and yet we are still here to love each other. I think she is right, and I think it is the same in working relationships and in friendship too. If we have no fear about saying who we are and what we think even though the other person may not agree that to me feels like the strongest of bonds. And if we can regulate our own emotions well enough to cope with negative feelings about us without taking it all personally that feels like a win too.

I once had a spectacular row with my female boss when I was editing the glossy mag ELLE.